right now i'm not back from the dentist, i'm at the stow public library. and i didn't just get a root canal, i just got very anxious and embarrassed and teary. when i've been visiting the dentist in arkansas lately, they've been giving me tons of nitrous oxide, and i've kinda forgotten just how much i despise going to the dentist, and how uncomfortable it makes me. plus i'm pretty fond of this new dentist, and i'd hoped very much that i wouldn't be uncomfortable or worried or whatnot.
but, like, they were putting the bib deal on me and i was getting tense. by the time they put the local-anaesthetic-soaked cotton in my mouth i'm in a cold sweat. and when the needle w/ lidocaine went in, tears started pouring down my face, and i felt like i would sooner die than recline in that chair any longer. (dentist: "i hate to see a grown man cry." i realize the humorous intent, but, like, way to make a bad situation worse.) the hygienist gave me one of those, like, stress balls, to squeeze while they got the second needle ready, and i said "what good is this going to do?" my lame attempt at humor didn't make me any more at ease.
so i said something about how i just can't go through with this, or similar. it was horrible. dr. pung called her pals at, like, the endodontic surgery place, and i have to go see them (mercifully, just for an examination or consultation or something along those lines) later this afternoon. apparently they can give me something for my anxiety. i'm hoping they'll just put me to sleep entirely, because i totally can't handle the dentist. i thought i could, but i certainly can't.
(off topic: as long as my nose is numb, maybe i should have someone stick a taper through my septum piercing. i don't find that at all stressful, but i sure find it painful.)
i could barely contain myself while, like, talking to the dentist and hygienist. i kept apologizing, and then they would say it was okay or whatnot. simply awful. (they also asked if i had someone who could drive me home afterward, which speaks to a completely different set of things to cry about.) and i wasn't even the whole way to my car before i was, like, screaming and crying at the same time. it wasn't long before i was weaving all over darrow road at fifteen under the speed limit, among other reasons because my eyes were too full of tears to see very well. thinking about it now is making me tear up all over again.
what's wrong with me? i don't think it's anything a root canal is going to solve.

the stow public library has playstations? spend that money on some freaking ram.  ¶ 2:57 PM